But I feel like rambling.
I read others' blogs and envy their life. Their ramblings. Their freedom.
Freedom.
I wouldn't trade my life for anything else in the world. Ever. I love my husband. I love our baby. I love our ministry. I love our family and friends. I love our pup. I love our situation. I realize how fortunate I am to have the life that I do. But I miss my freedom sometimes.
Freedom to:
- Sleep in if I want to (not with a 4 month old singing in his bed at 7:30am)
- Take a shower without a whole lot of thought/planning
- Pursue endeavors on a whim
- Support people I love and what they do
- Have a bigger budget (would it then be a budget?)
- Read a book for more than 15 minutes, uninterrupted
- Start and complete a project in the same day
- Randomly road trip. Anywhere. Anytime.
- Follow ambitions. Photography. Sewing. Coffee Shops.
- Make a difference for others. Peace. Love. Hope.
I could still do those things. Well, maybe only a few.
I know that God is bigger than me and bigger than the limits I put on myself. The question is where do I start and how? I would trade the sleeping and showering to be a part of something bigger, something significant. It's as though, at times, I have too many options of where I can pour my energy and passion. Right now, a little fella about 2 feet tall consumes the majority of that energy and passion, which is fine by me. He can have all of me and my love as long as he lets me share it with his daddy. I just yearn to do more. To be more. Do I better myself at the things I know how to do? Or do I take on something new, a random adventure, and hope that it works out? Will it be fulfilling or will it just fill my time?
To fill or fulfill, that is the question.
It's like spring cleaning. You try to get all of the unnecessary junk out of your closets, cabinets, storage bins. You either give it away to someone who could use it more, love it more, need it more or you throw it away if it's no longer any use to anyone (like those select articles of clothing you've been carrying around since high school that will NEVER fit again, time to pass those on). I think I need to do a figurative "spring cleaning" of the things that clutter my life. It seems I try to dabble in too much, and it all ends up being mediocre. Blah.
I want to be great at something. It's like I can't focus on any one thing. You should see our house. Sewing projects. Photo projects. Crochet project. Cleaning (not my fave) projects. Organization projects. All undone. Unfinished. Unraveled?
I mean, read this post again. It's all over the place.
Much like my life.
I suppose I should be thankful. Thankful I can be selfish; though I should not be so selfish, I can be if I want to. And I am. Thankful and selfish.
For this:
And this:
This too:
Her, too:
These as well:
And for all the things and people these represent.
And for all the things they don't.
First off, I stalk your blog :-) 2. Your little man is quite a stud. He a close runner up to a little stud I know. 3. I had lots of those same thoughts as I became a stay at home mom with my first. So many things I wanted to and be a part of/do, so little time/energy/focus. the Lord has since reminded me many times over a greater purpose than I can even comprehend. I began studying Titus 2 and understanding my role as a wife, mother, discipler (my own made up word) of women even younger than me. For such a time as this, my job is radiate the goodness for the cross, even in the most mundane of tasks, for my growing little people to see so that one day, hopefully soon in their lives, they will commit to Him as well! What an unimaginable and glorious task that is! All others seem to pale in comparison! PS- people tell me that soon we will forget what it was like to even sleep in....i miss those days too... :-)
ReplyDeleteAllison S